ASOTIN COUNTY, WA — In what officials are calling "a bold reimagining of public safety," Asotin County this week celebrated two major milestones: the elimination of emergency medical services and the completion of a $19.7 million jail expansion, proving once again that America's commitment to building prisons is matched only by its creativity in finding reasons to fill them.

The announcements appeared side by side on the front page of the Lewiston Tribune, in what journalism professors are calling "the most efficient editorial cartoon ever published—because it wasn't even trying to be one."

"These are complementary investments," explained County Administrator Thomas Bleakfield at a press conference held inside the jail's new "Community Reflection Atrium." "We're not abandoning residents. We're just... meeting them further downstream. Much further. After everything that could have helped has already not happened."

A 98% Conviction Rate: "Efficiency" or "Uh-Oh"?

Asotin County maintains a conviction rate of approximately 98%—a number usually reserved for North Korean elections and WebMD diagnoses of cancer.

Legal experts note that such figures typically indicate a system that overcharges defendants, pressures plea deals, and treats poverty, addiction, and mental illness as character flaws rather than policy failures. County officials, however, prefer the term "streamlined justice."

"We've achieved 98% convictions and 0% ambulances. We didn't abolish the police—we abolished the part that keeps you alive long enough to need them."
— County Prosecutor, requesting anonymity "for some reason"

Critics argue the county has effectively "speedran dystopia on a municipal budget and didn't even need a loading screen." Supporters counter that the jail features "natural lighting" and "a really nice sally port."

Bill the Taxi Driver: Regional Healthcare Provider

With EMS eliminated, emergency response has been restructured around Clarkston's sole taxi operator, a man identified only as "Bill," whose operating hours are:

3 p.m. to 11 p.m., Tuesday through Saturday
Weather permitting
Mood permitting
Costco parking lot permitting

The county's updated emergency slogan reflects this new reality:

Residents experiencing cardiac events, strokes, or severe trauma outside of Bill's availability window are encouraged to consult the county's new Frontier Wellness Toolkit, which includes:

• Bloodletting "where appropriate"
• Reiki from whoever watched the most YouTube
• Essential oils—for when essential services aren't in the budget
• Guided breathwork remembered poorly from TikTok
• And the county's cornerstone modality: "The Power of Positive Thinking During Cardiac Arrest"

The updated emergency protocol has been summarized as: "Apply pressure. Pray specifically. Wait for Bill or Jesus, whichever arrives first."

At press time, Bill could not be reached for comment. Witnesses reported seeing him heading toward the river with a fishing pole, a cooler, and the crushing psychic weight of being the region's entire emergency medical infrastructure.

The Jail: "Trauma-Aware" in the Sense That It Contains a Lot of It

County officials describe the new $19.7 million facility as "modern" and "trauma-aware"—not because it treats trauma, but because it contains a remarkable amount of it per square foot.

Features include:

• Expanded housing for people whose untreated mental illness eventually became "a law enforcement issue"
• Secure pods for those whose addiction was never addressed until it interacted with property rights
• On-site classrooms so inmates can finally receive the education the county decided not to fund three decades ago
• Program rooms that look excellent in grant applications whether or not programs are actually funded

"We're not a justice system. We're a warehouse with a flag out front."
— Sheriff Daniel Coldwell, accidentally

Asked why the county could finance a jail but not ambulances, Budget Director Karen Stonebridge offered a succinct explanation:

"Paramedics require training, equipment, and ongoing medical oversight. A jail just requires pessimism and rebar. One of those fits our fiscal reality."

When pressed further, she added: "Prevention doesn't have a ribbon to cut."

The Front Page as Accidental Masterpiece

Media critics have hailed the Tribune's layout as one of the decade's most devastating unintentional editorials:

Panel 1 (top left): "Clarkston Officials Vote to Eliminate EMS"
Panel 2 (top right): "Final Price Tag: $19.7M for New Jail"
Panel 3 (bottom center): A man fishing at sunset, serene, unaware

"It's a perfect American triptych," said Columbia Journalism professor Dr. Eleanor Vance. "Remove the people who come when you're dying. Celebrate the building where you store people after everything upstream has failed. Then a guy fishing, blissfully unaware his new emergency plan is prayer, willpower, and maybe Bill the taxi guy."

She paused, then added: "If we'd tried to design a front page about American policy priorities, we couldn't do better. They just... printed what happened."

Residents React: Gallows Humor, Bulk First Aid

Local reactions have ranged from dark comedy to darker preparation.

"Let me get this straight. We can afford $19.7 million to lock people up after decades of neglect, but not the people who keep us alive long enough to avoid being locked up? That seems... backwards."
— Margaret Hollis, 67, retired teacher

Another resident, who requested anonymity because "I might need Bill someday," observed: "We rank near 100% in convictions and near 0% in ambulances. They speedran the worst parts of government and hit 'Save.'"

Others have begun adapting:

• Stocking home first-aid kits "like we're on a wagon train"
• Comparing notes on which neighbors have the steadiest hands for DIY sutures
• Memorizing Bill's days off the way their grandparents memorized Scripture

County leadership maintains confidence in their approach.

"We are absolutely committed to public safety," said Councilmember Patricia Dryden. "That's why we invested nearly $20 million in a facility that proves we failed at it—and why we're cutting the service that might have helped us fail a little less."

Critics have taken to calling this "policy by obituary." Officials prefer "responsive governance."

At press time, the man photographed fishing at sunset had been identified as local resident Harold Clemmons, 58. Reached for comment, he expressed surprise that he'd become a symbol.

"I just like fishing," he said. "Didn't know I was the face of anything."

When informed about the EMS situation, he was quiet for a moment.

"Well," he said finally, checking his phone. "Good thing Bill's working tomorrow."

Bill was not, in fact, working tomorrow.

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